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[Chicago Astronomer - Astro Joe]

Despite the National No-call list, many telemarketers continue to harrass us. I myself have created a three tone beep on my answering machine that sounds like they reached an unfunctioning number. The automated dialer figures out it's a dead number and moves on. Works great!

But if the telemarketers continue to call, I am contemplating on making use of the following ideas:

Ways to annoy Telemarketers

Answer by making some weird animal noise

Crank up the music and leave the phone.

Tell them to wait a minute scream really loud and leave the phone.

Alternatively have a balloon ready, pop it, scream and leave the phone.

Start talking in another language

Start making weird breathing noises then scream loud and drop the phone.

Say "Uh-Huh" every 10 sec in a loud annoying voice

Repeat everything they say

Start singing high notes off key

Yodel

Sing the song that never ends

If the caller is a guy/girl keep insisting that his name is Bob/Jane and start talking about how great High School was

Answer by saying,"Fairy god mother/father, is that you?"

Answer by saying, "Hello, this is Simore Butts' Pizza Place.

Answer by saying," Hello, will you be my friend?"

Say," Did I really win the lotto, I've always wanted to win. etc."

Ask them how their wife is how the kids are, etc.

Ask them out on a date

Tell them you have to go to the bathroom. Then put the phone near the faucet, turn it on low and walk away.

Tell them you have to let the dog out, then leave.

Recite passages from the Bible

Keep changing your accent

Cough like you dying every couple of seconds

Laugh in a creepy way for as long as you can- then hang up

Say yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees in that really annoying voice- like that jerk off the simpsons

Chew throughout the conversation

If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your "problems."

If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Ask them how to spell "Milpitas." Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

Cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh, my GOD! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

Say "no", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "uh-huh", "really?" or "how fascinating". Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them you couldn't just give out your credit card number to a complete stranger.

(Jerry Seinfeld version) Tell the telemarketer your busy at the moment and if they give you their phone number, you'll call them back. Telemarketer will say "We're not allowed to give out our number". You say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at work, right?" Telemarketer will agree. You say "Now you know how I feel!" Hang-up.

Say "speak up" and continue to do so.

Keep one of those personal siren alarms(or a whistle) near the phone.

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I like the crazy ones... ;D

[Maddad]

(Jerry Seinfeld version) Tell the telemarketer your busy at the moment and if they give you their phone number, you'll call them back. Telemarketer will say "We're not allowed to give out our number". You say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at work, right?" Telemarketer will agree. You say "Now you know how I feel!" Hang-up.

I like that because it's similar to something that I actually do. I always ask a telemarketer for their home phone number so I can call them back when it's convient for me. The never give it, and that ends the call.

[Centaur]

In addition to being on the national no-call list, I subscribe to the SBC Privacy Manager. Any caller without an ID is interrupted by a machine that asks for identification and puts the info into my voice mail. No telemarketer has ever provided his information. Since employing these two filters, all telemarketers have failed to get through to me.

We had a paralegal on our TV show who specialized in stopping telemarketers. First he advised to not automatically give your phone number when businesses ask for it; that includes retail stores. They're not allowed to insist on it. He further suggests that when a telemarketer gets through, tell him that your fee for using your telephone for solicitations is $1500. Ask him if he wants to continue the conversation on that basis. If the same firm calls you back, take them to small claims court to demand your $1500. The court has often allowed the award. Judges despise them too.

My stepfather would tell them, "Just a moment", as though he had a call-waiting. Then he would set the phone aside long enough for the caller to hang up. He got a kick out of wasting their time.